Lights out

I'm not afraid to admit I am scared of the dark, petrified even.

Since developing narcolepsy I have been the main character in my very own horror movie. I never liked horrors growing up as I thought too logically about them... don't open that door and don't turn the lights out. The main characters always had themselves to blame. My horror movies on the other hand are far from logical, you can't exactly run when you're in sleep paralysis and what if the only thing you can do is scream?

My hallucinations at night are 99% disturbing visual hallucinations. They range from seeing someone in my room to being strangled. I'd like to think there is no deep down psychological trauma causing my hallucinations to be so scary but then when I sit and analyse them I can't help but see the links to my past.

So... Welcome to my Ted talk on Trauma related hallucinations:

Hallucination One- the lady with long fingers

I have no clue where the long fingers has come from, quite frankly I would blame this on the Guinness World Records book show casing the man with the longest fingernails and my brothers repeated disgust in people having long fingernails. Mash them two together and I give you Fiona the fingernail freak.

She likes to claw at the insides of my mouth with her nails and pull at my teeth. A bit like a mother monkey grooming her young except Fiona hasn't quite grasped the concept of being gentle and instead likes to leave a few marks. Fiona has a few other interests besides the leftover food in my teeth, she likes to walk around my bed aimlessly and occasionally get really close to my face and just scream for no reason.

Hallucination Two - The shadow of a man

*Queue tiny violins*

When I was 18/19 I dated a guy, lets call him Richard, if you know what that abbreviates too then you'll understand the nickname choice. Anyways, Richard was a little older than me and he was a walking red flag who clearly needed anger management classes. It was your classic coercive control scenario, he love bombed me for 3 months and then abused for the rest. Now before you say "how could you stay with someone like that"... I'll tell you how. He didn't throw me up against a shop on the first date, it was so gradual that when something like that happened it felt almost normal.

in my hallucination Richard stands over my bed and pins me down by my ankles, or strangles me. In the right scenario I wouldn't be petrified of night time Richard, however at 1am in the morning when you suddenly can't breath cause some large dark shadow is suffocating you it's no longer pleasing. Richard only spoils me with his presence when I'm stressed just like the real Richard he likes to add fire to the already burning flames.

Hallucination Three - Screaming child

I HATE HATE HATE dolls! Always have, always will. If you were to buy me a doll as a kid that thing was being thrown in the bin. You can't argue with me here and say that dollies are at all cute, they're not and if you've read up on Annabelle then you would also understand why I'm so scared of them. Most people fear the unknown, the dark or even spiders, me, I just fear china dolls.

My Nana, god rest her soul - please don't haunt me for this comment, liked to collect dolls for her beautiful vintage prams. They often came in parts and not set up so needed the heads to be fixed onto the dolls bodies. I'd often walk around my house and see dolls parts laying around, it was traumatic.

Daisy, the screaming child in my room, looks very much like a toddler sized doll. She doesn't do much except laugh or scream in the corner of my room. Sadly as I'm paralysed during the majority of my hallucinations I can't escort daisy to the bin and result to screaming with her.

Not all my hallucinations are bad, there is 1% that I actually enjoy. I have had auditory hallucinations of my Nanas radio, for context she would always fall asleep to the radio and so its been more of a comfort hallucination when I hear that. I often hear music too, of songs I've never heard in my life but I can hear all the words so clearly as if the band was playing live in my room.

Whether they are hallucinations or messages I'll never know.